so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
