my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
All the doctor said was why
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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