The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
