Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
