I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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