My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
