"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
