I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
