thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
