I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
