My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
