I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
