I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
