It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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