My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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