Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
