ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
