I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
