I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
