I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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