I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
