help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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