Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
