made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
