Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
