I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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