Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
