I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
