dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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