went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
