Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
