My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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