Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
