Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
