I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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