take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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