i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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