You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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