letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
