FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I look better un-naked...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
