the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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