i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
