He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
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He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
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You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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