i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
She's the barista slut.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
is it fun? or sober?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
