I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
