Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
