They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
