its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
