i love accidental penises.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
