My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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