I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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