He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
