I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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