If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
