Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
