My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
