sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
