i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
