I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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