this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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