mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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