I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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